Sometimes Life Calls for a Little Tough Love

I remember hearing about a psychologist in Philadelphia, many years ago, who worked very differently than most. He yelled at his clients. His success rate was, apparently, through the roof. (Maybe because they were jumping that high to get away from him!)

I recall my own tough-love teenage years, as my mother tried everything in her arsenal to get me to cooperate and stay alive day to day (or just make it to graduation). The tough-love approach, as much as I hated it, worked well. She denied me things as a result of my behavior- that really hurt (and proved wildly effective). Do you see the pattern here?

Tough love isn’t about yelling at people but it is about being direct, deliberate, and, at times, unflattering. There are consequences. There is action (or in-action, depending upon the desired effect).

A drill sergeant delivers tough love but s/he also embodies strength, responsibility, authority, and leadership.

You may be in need of some tough love. Or someone you know is. Here’s how I recommend you begin the approach:

• Stop being the crutch they need to carry on. Don’t be an enabler.
• Have a 15-minute conversation with them explaining the new road you are taking (and why). No discussion. This is informational only.
• Lay out the rules.
• Lay out the consequences.
• Be diligent in applying them (and ensure you have the authority to).
• Take 15-minutes to yourself each day to redefine why you are doing this, the intended outcome/s, and the approach specifics.
• Involve other people as necessary (if its trouble with your kid at school, involve school partners, truancy officers, etc….).
  
  Examples where I believe a tough love approach is necessary:
• When someone’s health is at risk.
• When someone’s marriage is at risk.
• When someone’s career is at risk.
• When behavior disruptions are detrimenting the family and/or office.
• Substance abuse.
• A failure to take responsibility for one’s own actions/inactions.
• A disciplinary problem person.
  

Disclaimer: tough love should not be used to abuse another person. It does not include verbally insulting, assaulting or otherwise "do harm" to others. It is one of the available approaches to curb undesired behaviors (in ones self as well as others). I consider it more of a reality check grounded in organization, clarity and compassion with a desire to help another lead a productive life.