Friday, July 31, 2009

Is a Eulogy a Burden or an Honor?

I was privy to a conversation this week that opened my eyes on the topic of eulogies.

I was with a group of seniors and we were discussing writing- what kinds of things we write and why, for what purpose. One lovely man commented that he has written his eulogy. He said he did that because he felt the eulogy was a burden he didn’t want to impress upon anyone in his family.

Interesting. Personally, I always felt the eulogy was an honor to give. It was bidding a physical farewell to someone that meant something to you. And, you got the opportunity to share your love of them freely and openly in their send off.

I now realize that people can have very different views of this.

One woman commented that she too feels it is a burden to the family members to deliver a eulogy. She said it should be left to clergy… and that’s that.

A few people did chime in that they felt the eulogy could be cathartic to the person giving it. It could represent the sharing of things we never knew about the person or about the relationships they had.

One gal said that she was at a funeral when the son stood up and gave a eulogy which berated his father for so many wrongs in his life. She said no one knew the hell that the son was living in- and she was delighted he could finally get it off his chest and rest – in his own way. (As a psychologist, I’d love to have been at this one.)

Think about your eulogy- and your wishes for who should give it. Perhaps put it in your living will and make your wishes known to those you love.

I can tell you that mine will mirror my wedding. I will likely invite several people to say a few things, if they are comfortable, and then open it up for others to share. But then again, I’ve never resisted a microphone yet, so perhaps I’m a little skewed.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Six Ways to Romance

I had house guests this weekend. One of the younger ones mentioned that she liked my magnetic word board on the refrigerator. I began to tell her why we have it there- it’s a sign to remind us of our responsibility to love one another outwardly. Here’s how it works, along with Five Other Tips for keeping (or rekindling) the romance in your life.



  1. Tell them what they mean to you. The magnetic word board is just a few dozen words, separate magnets, which float on the fridge. We, my husband and I, take turns writing a love note to one another. It can be three words or 20. It can be concrete or abstract. But, it must be heart-felt. He may write” you are my soul’s dream”. I read it and when I am ready to write him one, usually within a few days, I will return the love with a message of my own. Mine may be, “I adore our passion and kisses”. Simple. Yet, wildly necessary in this busy day-to-day life we all lead. Tell people how you feel about them- often.

  2. Schedule a night away. Pick a place that you know s/he has always wanted to go. Or, choose to revisit a place that was meaningful to you as a couple. Book it today- even if it’s not for a few months. Make sure s/he knows that you want to do things to make them happy.

  3. Schedule the harder talks. Don’t make every day and every conversation about a sore topic or a tough discussion. Make sure the joy outweighs the pain. Plan it and keep it limited. Show your partner that you love them, respect your life with them and want the rough spots to be as controlled as possible. No one wants to be married to a nag. And, I think it’s easy to be a nag if you don’t keep it in perspective. Is this issue really a deal breaker for you? If not, keep it real- and manageable.

  4. Kiss and play passionately. You aren’t siblings. You are lovers. Play the part.

  5. Have a His or Hers Day. Make one day a week about them. Only about them. Let them know that they choose what the activity is or what the menu is. They’ll do the same for you when they see how it feels.

  6. Reflect. Imagine what life would be like without them. Try to imagine who would fill their shoes if they weren’t there. Realize the gift they are to you. Be thankful to have someone to share your life with. No one is perfect. You certainly aren’t. Celebrate each other as the wonderful individuals you are.

Happy loving.

Friday, July 24, 2009

6 Tips to A Better Job



I am so fortunate to work with such innovative clients. Yes, some of my clients are looking for work. Others are looking for opportunity… Opportunity to leave their current positions in pursuit of jobs or lifestyles that will be more fulfilling.

Now I know what you are thinking, “Lisa, why on earth would they choose to do that in this climate?” Well, because they can. You can too. Believe it or not the sky isn’t falling. Jobs are out there. Opportunities exist.

Most people will opt to complain about the market and allow the excuse to limit their potential. I don’t have those folks as clients, nor would I want them.

In the last two months I’ve had two clients choose to leave full-time, lucrative careers. One left to pursue her dream job, still in sales, but a far more risky and niche market. The other opted to pursue part-time work and focus on her family life. She did that with almost a year of thought and preparation.

Here is how you can find a better job… or dare I say “opportunity”

  • Take a hard look at how you are living. What are your income needs? What expenditures do you have that you must continue to carry? Are you fulfilled in your current role/s?
  • Identify your dreams. What would you like to do or not do with your time?
  • Create a plan and a timeline for change. Map your dreams onto a timeline and begin your preparation today.
  • Tell everyone you know (except perhaps your boss) about your dreams. Don’t be shy. They may know of an opportunity that exists that puts you on your path.
  • Liquidate your “unnecessary stuff” and reduce all spending immediately to adequately prepare for the transition.
  • Meet with people (over the internet perhaps) who’ve done it (in the specific or broad sense of what you plan to achieve) and learn from them.

    Here’s to a great life!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Sometimes Life Calls for a Little Tough Love

I remember hearing about a psychologist in Philadelphia, many years ago, who worked very differently than most. He yelled at his clients. His success rate was, apparently, through the roof. (Maybe because they were jumping that high to get away from him!)

I recall my own tough-love teenage years, as my mother tried everything in her arsenal to get me to cooperate and stay alive day to day (or just make it to graduation). The tough-love approach, as much as I hated it, worked well. She denied me things as a result of my behavior- that really hurt (and proved wildly effective). Do you see the pattern here?

Tough love isn’t about yelling at people but it is about being direct, deliberate, and, at times, unflattering. There are consequences. There is action (or in-action, depending upon the desired effect).

A drill sergeant delivers tough love but s/he also embodies strength, responsibility, authority, and leadership.

You may be in need of some tough love. Or someone you know is. Here’s how I recommend you begin the approach:

  • Stop being the crutch they need to carry on. Don’t be an enabler.
  • Have a 15-minute conversation with them explaining the new road you are taking (and why). No discussion. This is informational only.
  • Lay out the rules.
  • Lay out the consequences.
  • Be diligent in applying them (and ensure you have the authority to).
  • Take 15-minutes to yourself each day to redefine why you are doing this, the intended outcome/s, and the approach specifics.
  • Involve other people as necessary (if its trouble with your kid at school, involve school partners, truancy officers, etc….).

    Examples where I believe a tough love approach is necessary:
  • When someone’s health is at risk.
  • When someone’s marriage is at risk.
  • When someone’s career is at risk.
  • When behavior disruptions are detrimenting the family and/or office.
  • Substance abuse.
  • A failure to take responsibility for one’s own actions/inactions.
  • A disciplinary problem person.

Disclaimer: tough love should not be used to abuse another person. It does not include verbally insulting, assaulting or otherwise "do harm" to others. It is one of the available approaches to curb undesired behaviors (in ones self as well as others). I consider it more of a reality check grounded in organization, clarity and compassion with a desire to help another lead a productive life.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Brain Games

Do you know that losing your memory and other cognitive decline does NOT have to be a part of your natural aging? It’s true.

You can do things now, each day or each week, to preserve your mental functioning. Ever more so, you can improve it- at any age. New brain cells will form.

I suggest visiting two websites for your brain health (the same way you focus on your physical exercise- you should focus on your mental exercises):

Lumosity.com

Sharpbrains.com

At Lumosity you can sign up for a free trial and learn about your own current cognitive functioning. You can also work on it during the trial and see your numbers improve.

At Sharpbrains.com you can find dozens of brain games to play for free. Some are more interesting than others. Pick and choose.

Here’s to more graceful aging – at any age.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Wedding Weight.....

I promised to “weigh in” on my own challenge with the pounds and fitness as a whole. The last 6 months have been wild and wonderful- just like West Virginia, the state I got married in. I ran in a marathon. I assembled a world-class team of nutrition experts and exercise physiologists. I logged my food and tracked my exercise. I learned about my body and what it can and “has a harder time” doing via metabolic testing.

I lost pounds and inches. The wedding came and I looked and felt great!

Now, the honeymoon is in the distant past (more than 6 weeks in the past) and you ask, “How are you doing?” Great! I’m doing great!

I don’t have the numbers to tell you about- because I don’t own a scale. But my clothes continue to feel loose and comfortable on me.

The Pros: I still eat really well. I am 90% vegetarian. (Full disclosure here folks, where else can you get that today?) I graze. I eat every 2-3 hours. My meals are smaller, very healthful (for the most part) and fill me up. I love my new style of eating. We visit the farmers markets twice a week for fresh ingredients to cook with. We now eat at home 95% of the week. We used to eat out 75% of the time!

The Cons: I picked up a new client which has really challenged my schedule. Given I shut down at 5 PM to have my “honey time” with my new husband- my gym time has been cut out. I was going to the gym 4-5 times a week for at least 45 minutes and now I don’t go.

The beauty of this dilemma is that it mirrors that of what I hear from others who are challenging their unfit ways.

Here is my advice for how to manage without the gym:

Ø Are you taking 1 hour a day for yourself? (Reading, exercising, meditating, painting, …) Make sure you do. You will not be helpful to anyone if you aren’t good to yourself first.
Ø Walk more. I have now added two hours of walking into my weekly schedule. I walk to and from errands, clients, etc… Plus, I still walk the dogs (perhaps a little more diligently now).
Ø Log your food. Each bite. Make sure you know how much you are eating (fat grams, cholesterol, calories, servings, etc…)
Ø Eat better. Choose fresh ingredients you feel good about.
Ø Cook more. Don’t allow anyone to put your pounds on for you. Choose your guilty pleasures carefully- yourself. Limit salt. Limit quantities. You see where I’m going.
Ø Educate those you love. Make this a lifestyle everyone wants to be a part of. Celebrate every pound lost and every inch that’s disappeared! Enjoy tasting your food for once, not just swallowing it!
Ø Work on your home. Gardening and home chores are good exercise. Learn to love going up and down the steps- carrying things!
Ø Keep a journal. Note how you feel, what you are doing and why you are doing it.
Ø Commit to yourself! Look at photos of you then and now. Describe how you feel/felt. Imagine how you want to describe yourself and how you feel. Do it now. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

I hope this helps you. I’m not proud of not getting to the gym. But, I’m not allowing that to be an excuse to override my hard work either. I’m not going to be over 200 pounds ever again. I’ve committed that to me!

Friday, July 10, 2009

She’s Gone and Lost Her Mind! The MAD Offer!

We’re Celebrating 2 years in Pittsburgh, as a full-time coach! (I always use “we” because I never get anywhere alone- there is always a team behind all that I do.)

Last year we sent whacky fliers with a photo of me when I was a few years old! The flier served as a thank you to our clients, friends and supporters. If memory serves, there was a little goodie in each bag also.

In celebrating this year, we’re making a most outrageous offer! I hope you are sitting down!

Pay what you think the session is worth! You read it right. Pay what you think the session is worth! Some restaurants are doing it, why not us too? Heck, we’ll try anything in the name of fun for ourselves and our clients!!!

The caveat: You must be a current or former Champion Member or coaching client to take advantage of this offer. And, you must call/email me before 4 PM on July 24, 2009 to make your appointments. You can have 1 or 2 1-hr sessions with this offer. All must take place in July or August. There are no reschedules allowed.

The loophole: (to keep it fair and FUN) You can become a “current Champion Member” by signing up for the Champions Series ($39 a month) at our website (www.spahrconsulting.com) by July 24, 2009, 4 PM. (See, we wouldn’t let you miss this chance!)

Everybody is talking about this offer! How on earth can she do it? Well, we’ve modeled it to be manageable, creative and above all else- a THANK YOU to our clients, friends and supporters for an amazing 2 YEARS! So, we’ll worry about the unaddressed details over the next month! YOU deserve this.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Bahia

I was moved last week. I was reading about one of the airplanes that had gone down in recent weeks and a story jumped out at me. It was about 12-year old Bahia. I hope you’ve heard about her.

Bahia and her mother were traveling by air (to and from where matter far less). The plane went down. Her mother was lost forever. Bahia clung to a piece of the shattered aircraft unable to see anything in the darkness around her. She said she could hear voices but couldn’t see anything.

Do you know how long she hung on to that piece of scrap? 13 hours.

(Let’s put this in some bad perspective: I can barely hold a 8 lb barbell at my side, in the air, for 3 minutes less than even imagine clinging on to a piece of metal in the cold dark sea- for 13 hours- with no one to support you.)

When Bahia was saved, after calling out to a passing ship, her father commented on who his daughter is. He said she is a “frail young girl”. Here’s where I nearly fell out of my seat. Frail? Dear Sir, there is nothing frail about this dynamo. She’s one of the strongest people I’ve ever read about- in body, mind and spirit.

This article (read in the New York Times, my daily choice for reading) gave me a great deal to ponder over the last few days. It brought about thoughts of perception, self-perception and that of others, cultural descriptions of youth and women, in particular, what strength and frailty really mean, etc…

I was so moved by Bahia’s strength that her name as gone on a list of “children’s names” if I ever get an opportunity to name any. “Bahia” is one of the ones that has more meaning. Others are just silly and fun, like, “Lily .. Pad”. My husband really hates that one. I suppose I’m an artist at heart.

Let’s celebrate Bahia this week by thinking about her, her ordeal and our own strengths.

Friday, July 3, 2009

The Coach’s Guide to Wedding Planning… Due Out Soon

Tis the season… of brides. No matter what shape the economy is in, people are falling in love and getting married. They may plan for 1 week, 1 month or 1 year- or many choices in between, but their planning. And, it can be stressful (as I have observed).

As many of you know I married for the first time on May 23. I planned for my wedding for 7 months. (I waited what seemed to be a lifetime.) My planning was virtually stress free and really fun. How on earth did I do that? I’ll tell you… in the Coach’s Guide to Wedding Planning. I’m writing it now and it will be available soon. Email me (lspahr@spahrconsulting.com) if you want to be on the waiting list.

I’ll discuss everything from the dress…..


To the venue and date selection...


To the food…..


To the inclusion of your husband to-be…..


To you guest list…
And, to the special elements that you can add to make this a unique and very personal experience for everyone.


All of this information will come to you from the bride, who is also a coach. The goal is to keep your stress level down, excitement and enthusiasm up, and fill this time with wonderful memories you'll share with a smile for many years to come!
I can't begin to tell you how wonderful my wedding was, to me, my husband and our guests. I have no doubt I can help you make your event the same.