She Brought Me to My Knees

I'll confess, I think I'm a toughie. I spent years interviewing psychopaths in prisons (a real life Clairise Starling), working along side police combing photographs that most wouldn't want to see, and am really good at being planful and methodical in my life (resisting temptations and impulsive moves that most would jump at). But this, this has brought me to my knees.

I'm talking about the last month of my life. The birth experience of my daughter that was the furtherest from what I had planned and prepped for, all of those months. She and mother nature showed me that I wasn't in charge and couldn't have it my way. Then, there was the challenge of breastfeeding. Again, mother nature stepped in and told me that it didn't matter how many books I read or how many lactation consultants I went to- it wasn't going to be the way I wanted or planned. Tears, anger, resentment and confusion wouldn't change that either. "Deal with it," I could hear her say. I won't repeat here what I said in return.

Last but not least, the most glorious element of all that has brought me to my knees is love. I've been fortunate in my life to know great love. I've loved many times - great friends and love interests. I am wildly in love with my husband. But, this, this is different. Looking at her, touching her sweet little body.... no, I've never known love like this. This is beyond any I could fathom. It's sheer joy. It's magical. It's euphoria.

I've been brought to my knees several times over the last 4 weeks. I'm thankful (even if not every moment of every day) for the experience. It's humbling. Even for a toughie.