Failed Systems and Positive Reinforcement

I was really appalled by the tragic story of a young woman being attacked at her high school dance in Richmond California the other week. As a psychologist I am familiar with, although do not condone, the social workings of individuals in groups who watch crimes but do not report them nor help the victim. It was such a heinous crime with so many opportunities for people to do the right thing, and they all failed. I applaud the young woman who finally notified authorities when she heard people talking about the crime. She did the right thing.

But, as I was reading about the case a few statistics popped out at me. According to a report from CBS News (linked in this blog title), Richmond High School has a truancy rate of 69% AND had 19 student murders last year. You can read that again if you need to. It bears re-reading.

Now, if this isn’t a “failed state” or entity I haven’t yet seen one. This is a broken system. The billion dollar question is what do you do with a poor system?

What would you do if your business was broke? Your family wasn’t working? I am hoping the answer is to realign the priorities and make sure the members are on board. Bring in the experts to fix the problem. Who the experts are is a matter for another book, let alone blog.

The answer is NOT to positively reinforce school failure with dances and other unnecessary social elements when the basics of education are not being met. We do not need to throw gold stars at failing systems. I was sickened to read one school official quoted as saying the “dance was a success”. Ask the victim if she agrees with that.

(If I were Queen for a day) I would recommend this school be taken over immediately, by some entity- we can argue which one- that can instill order and ensure that students are afforded the basic necessities of a good education: safety, books and materials, teachers, counselors, discipline and order, respect, a learning environment, etc… All other elements are unnecessary.

Wow. You might be saying. You’re tough! I am. I am also the product of an alternative school. My high school had only the necessary elements listed above. We didn’t have dances. We didn’t have sports teams and mascots. We didn’t have elements that set people up for failure (including events that attract drinking and trespassers). We had books, teachers, and a whole lot of learning. We all chose to be there for 3 to 6 hours a day and then most of us went to work somewhere for the remainder of the day. If you missed 3 days (without a medical excuse) you were out. Out. You couldn’t come back. Yes, this was a public school.

Don’t reward failed states, failed systems. It’s adding fuel to the fire. Get control of what you can. Find others to do what you can’t.

Know your numbers. 69% truancy is not something to be proud of.

Sometimes Life Calls for a Little Tough Love

I remember hearing about a psychologist in Philadelphia, many years ago, who worked very differently than most. He yelled at his clients. His success rate was, apparently, through the roof. (Maybe because they were jumping that high to get away from him!)

I recall my own tough-love teenage years, as my mother tried everything in her arsenal to get me to cooperate and stay alive day to day (or just make it to graduation). The tough-love approach, as much as I hated it, worked well. She denied me things as a result of my behavior- that really hurt (and proved wildly effective). Do you see the pattern here?

Tough love isn’t about yelling at people but it is about being direct, deliberate, and, at times, unflattering. There are consequences. There is action (or in-action, depending upon the desired effect).

A drill sergeant delivers tough love but s/he also embodies strength, responsibility, authority, and leadership.

You may be in need of some tough love. Or someone you know is. Here’s how I recommend you begin the approach:

• Stop being the crutch they need to carry on. Don’t be an enabler.
• Have a 15-minute conversation with them explaining the new road you are taking (and why). No discussion. This is informational only.
• Lay out the rules.
• Lay out the consequences.
• Be diligent in applying them (and ensure you have the authority to).
• Take 15-minutes to yourself each day to redefine why you are doing this, the intended outcome/s, and the approach specifics.
• Involve other people as necessary (if its trouble with your kid at school, involve school partners, truancy officers, etc….).
  
  Examples where I believe a tough love approach is necessary:
• When someone’s health is at risk.
• When someone’s marriage is at risk.
• When someone’s career is at risk.
• When behavior disruptions are detrimenting the family and/or office.
• Substance abuse.
• A failure to take responsibility for one’s own actions/inactions.
• A disciplinary problem person.
  

Disclaimer: tough love should not be used to abuse another person. It does not include verbally insulting, assaulting or otherwise "do harm" to others. It is one of the available approaches to curb undesired behaviors (in ones self as well as others). I consider it more of a reality check grounded in organization, clarity and compassion with a desire to help another lead a productive life.